ACHIEVING HAPPINESS-3:Need for intimacy, Working out issues with relationships

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Human Relations MGMT611

Lesson 38

ACHIEVING HAPPINESS-3

Quotes:

Happiness, a state of joy, pleasure, goodness, or satisfaction.

Major source of happiness is in smooth relations with people, especially your spouse.

Albert camus

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you

are looking for the meaning of life. Albert Camus

When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can

have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of

the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter. Albert

Schweitzer

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will

be successful. Happiness is something which everyone likes to achieve. To achieve happiness means to

create those environments or situations through which one succeeds in doing what one likes. This lecture

mainly focuses on the smooth and peaceful relationship with the family or spouse.

Need for intimacy

According to the theory of need for intimacy, love is an experience seated in the non-rational side of the

brain. People generally have a strong need for intimacy, love and affection. When someone is in love or in

affectionate relationship with someone, one feels secure and satisfied. Harry Stack Sullivan's definition of

love and affection is relevant here:

"When the satisfaction or security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one's own

satisfaction or security, then the state of true love exists." It means in a strong intimate relationship one

cares about other person's emotional needs and feelings.

A Biochemical Explanation of Attractiveness

According to the biochemical theory, our hormones direct us to sense or screen potential mates. After the

initial biochemical attraction, our conscious, psychological preferences come into play. The interests and

lifestyle preferences of the potential mate carry more weight after the initial attraction. While the

biochemical factors are at work, the brain is processing the external clues people use to measure sex appeal.

Among these factors are appearance, clothing, scent, body language, and voice.

A more specific explanation of attraction between people is based on the presence of pheromones. A person

who emits high doses of pheromones will attract more partners.

Conversely, we are physically attracted to people with high doses of pheromones. After the initial physical

attraction, other more rational factors are considered.

The Importance of choosing a spouse carefully

A study of 300 happy marriages revealed that the most frequently mentioned reason for such bliss was

having a generally positive attitude toward each other.

Working out issues with relationships

Families face frequent conflicts. Suggestions for resolving conflict with spouses include the following:

1. Listen carefully and give feedback. It is helpful to express feelings and show that you understand

the spouse's position.

2. Use more positive behaviors than negative behaviors during arguments. Some negative emotions

used in arguments are more toxic than others, including criticism and contempt.

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3. Define the real problem. Sometime problem arises when you really don't know the root cause of

the problem. Hence to avoid conflict try to find out the actual problem and try to solve it.

4. Don't hit below the belt. Trust is the key to intimate relationships. Be open, clear and

straightforward with each other.

5. Be prepared to compromise. In our patriarchal society, males always try to dominate. For a smooth

and healthy relationship both the spouses should try to compromise and understand each others'

position and point of view.

6. Minimize an accusatory tone. Accusing and blaming worsen the quality of the relationship. Try to

avoid the blame game.

7. Use e-mail as a substitute for face-to-face confrontations. Sometimes it is difficult to face your

spouse, under such circumstances you can use other ways of communication, e.g. writing a letter,

SMS or phone call etc.

8. Be agreeable when appropriate.

HUMAN RELATIONS SELF-ASSESSMENT

Early Warning Signs of a Relationship in Trouble

You know your relationship with your spouse is in trouble and in need of

revitalization when several or more of the indicators below are present.

You observe that you spouse has terrible table manners.

You perceive that you spouse is not as good as you thought previously.

The sound your spouse makes with his or her teeth annoys you.

Your conversation is confined to routine matters only; nothing new or

interesting.

You spend progressively less time with the spouse.

You nitpick each other frequently.

Your frights are more frequent and last longer.

Small tokens of affection like taking out almost disappear (applicable to young

people, mostly.

Your rarely mention good things about your spouse to other people.

You look for an opportunity to spend time with your friends, watching television

surfing the Internet rather than with your partner.

Source: DuBrin, Andrew J. `Human Relations: Career and Personal Success', Pearson Prentice Hall, 2005.

Meeting the challenges of being a two-income family

Double-earner families are increasing at a fast pace. As the number of couples in which both partners have

full-time jobs is increasing, complexity among the families' relationships is also increasing. Organizational

support systems can play important role to reduce work-family conflicts. Following are suggestions that

couples themselves can implement to increase the chances of a two-income household running more

smoothly.

1. Establish priorities and manage time carefully. Sometime the career of one of the spouses might be

more important than the other. This sort of issues can be prioritized by mutual understanding and

discussion.

2. Deal with feelings of competitiveness. This feeling can harm the relationship.

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3. Share big decisions equally. Many a times conflicts arise due to not sharing the big decisions of life

by the spouses. One should always take one's spouse in confidence in decision making.

4. Divide the household tasks equitably. Many women who work outside the home complain that

they are responsible for too many household responsibilities. When household chores are divided

unequally, conflict is probable.

5. Take turns being inconvenienced. Responsibilities can be shared by doing things turn by turn.

6. Develop adequate systems for childcare. Women usually devote a big part of their time for

children. Fathers should also play their due role in childcare.

7. Decide who pays for what. In one study, it was shown that the "big pool" arrangement for dividing

expenses led to the most satisfaction. This arrangement includes a joint account and personal

spending money.

Keeping your relationship vibrant

One of the major challenges in personal life is to keep a relationship with the spouse vibrant. Many

relationships that begin with enthusiasm end in a dull routine and separation. The relationships turning into

routines may be avoided by taking some corrective measures with a little effort.

A. Keep warmth in the relationships

Warmth in a relationship may not last very long but must be renewed and revived intermittently. By

breaking the monotony of life relationships can be kept vibrant. It can be done by changing the job,

changing the city, being away from routine life for some time etc.

B. Hold Communication Sessions

One way to keep a relationship vibrant is to hold formal communication sessions in which you tell each

other almost everything on your mind. Yet avoid damaging, hurtful thoughts. Brief communication sessions

are particularly needed when you travel together because so many relationships take a turn while traveling.

Share your feelings and problems.

C. Strive for Novelty in Your Relationship

A little creativity can go a long way in enhancing a relationship. Try pleasant surprises to keep your

relationship vibrant and fun. Arrange a trip, buy a gift, etc.

D. Take an Optimistic View of the Relationship

Viewing your partner positively will often help the relationship to endure. Viewing your partner positively

will often help the relationship stay romantic, and endure. A ten-year study suggested that couples endure

who see each other through rose-colored glasses, and show positive behaviour toward each other. More

recent research by Gottman and his colleagues revealed that strong marriages have at least a five-to-one

ratio of positive to negative interactions (as revealed by videotapes). As the ratio begins to drop, the

marriage is at high risk for divorce.

E. Maintain a Non-possessive Relationship

In emerging social environment, non-possessive relationship will be more successful. The non-possessive

relationship is one in which both partners maintain separate identities and strive for personal fulfillment.

Yet both partners are still committed to each other.

References:

Dubrin, A.J. (2005). Human Relations: Career and Personal Success. Upper Saddle River, New Jersey,

07458.

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